I think of myself as a conjurer of new worlds. what that really means, if I were pressed to explain it you, is that I am in the daily habit of imagining myself and so many things into being. that as a practice everyday, I weave truths about myself into myself, and into the world. This has become an essential practice for me, because without it, I am bound by distorted ideas others have of me and how I should experience the world. I reject that. The material reality of it, of course is a lot more complicated than these few summary words can enunciate. there are many things, out of my near control about all the ways in the world has been shaped, and these poke at me, still demanding to be felt, demanding to be experienced. And yet, if I am to survive, and thrive in a world where all the parts of me can be free, I must insist on a new truth for myself. And so, I have been conjuring.
I have decided that I no longer want or care to suffer. It’s a big deal for me to decide that, and so I’ll wait here as you applaud me for taking this courageous step.
You see, I am woman and African and many other layered parts, and often I am without the kind of safety nets that would seem to merit such a declarious declaration. and so in refusing to suffer while being as fully me and free as I can be, I see this action of self-liberation as one of the many acts of revolution necessary for myself. In practice, it becomes a conscious taking back of my power and myself from the oppressions and injustices that have demanded of me to be in pain, live in disillusionment, uncomfortable and afraid. I have decided though, that I will no longer be participating, and I opt out of that imagination of me. and so, I am conjuring for myself something new. I am conjuring for myself, but I am conjuring for us too.
I begin by asking myself, well, what if now, as it is now, life could feel good. I know, I know, bear with me. I understand there might be some hesitations around this. It’s true, perhaps that it is a grand dream to believe that life can feel sweet and good, in a world that demands of us to not, feel good, or sweet. but what if?
In practice, I find myself refusing to move at the pace of speed, and so, sometimes I take longer to respond to emails, there are days I do not even read them at all. I say no, often, and I feel to make sure my yes, is a yes. I pat myself on the back, and I treat others around me with the same tenderness I only have tolerance for. I sing and dance and write and laugh and I imagine a life where we are free. I smile when I see roses and birds make me stop and stare, suddenly, suddenly there is so much beauty around and I have the time and spaciousness to notice it all. This, my readers, are some of the active gifts that I have decided I deserve, and so I take.
move along with me here.
A while back, I observed with curiosity this habit of mine where I was always somehow on my feet. I was always doing, and when I was not doing, I was feeling guilty about not doing. I began to realise that there was an urgency about which I went through the world that caused my breathing to be shallow. I observed that there were voices in my head, not my own necessarily, that encouraged this, and that all around me, this was the way of things. Fortunately for me, I have never been one for rules and orders of things, and while I participated out of sheer necessity and sometimes fear, I began to devise ways to escape this reality. What I began to do, after years of reading the greats who have taught before about pleasure as an active and urgent part of our activism, was begin to realise that there could be a way out of what felt like a loveless, airless creation of space. I understood that I could charter a way for myself, and whoever else desired to come along. Practicing from this place, I began by reclaiming parts of myself that were not accustomed to pain and despair and busyness. It began to feel to me as though there were actual possibilities of being in the world, and feeling damn good about it.
Now, I feel the need to put a disclaimer here. even in Disney movies, there are villains and there is pain, and so in life. that is not what this about; an existence that is free from any frights or growth spurts or responsibilities and chores. the suffering happens all the time, whether or not we tend to it. what I am instead speaking about, is the daily pursuit and acceptance of pleasure that makes us feel good about ourselves and leaves us feeling better about participating in the world. it is a belief that we can create else that is not steeped in scarcity or control or fear, and even as many of them are yet to take full fruition, that the process of co-creating this, grants us the liberation to love ourselves and each other and enjoy being here.
And so, armed with the truth that ours is a world that is vast and abundant, that we more valuable and precious than we have been made to believe, knowing that there can be joy and pleasure and we can bloom with each other, I set out to create something for myself, for us. This new thing is a cultivation brought together by the love and care and support of those with whom I am in community with. It leaves me asking; what would our dreams be if we could dream of new things, that felt good in our bodies. how could my work change. how do my relationships change to meet this desire of sweetness and goodness. how does my relationship with that which is responsible for creation change.
I find myself, as I often do, reaching for the truths that have been buried. I think about my people, abowitu, and I ask about what is familiar and what has already been that I can learn from. kuruga kare, tukatumanya okushitama hamwe, tukazana, tukashemererwa, and so this is but a continuation of that which always kept us alive. My tatenkuru, who feels particularly strongly about this, talks to me about the ways he found joy in tending to his cattle, weaving his mats and living in contentment with what he had. a simple life, but a grand life. I hold this, and I conjur from this point too.
It is true, there are many ways in which our experience of the world has been so distorted. I mean, we live in a space where water streams free from the earth, and yet it is controlled and bottled, such that there are many who go without. this is not a thing of nature, it is an act from a limited imagination. And so, yes, something else can be so called forth.